confused...

i am so confused...i don't know what i want...i am trying to avoid the problem and yet i still have to face it one day...yesterday i did something really wrong...i purposely woke up late so i can arrive late at my band meeting...then i met yee xin and chatted with her...i know i was late...and yet i chose not to go...Better late than never was a crap in my mind yesterday...i asked yee xin whether i should go for band competition next year or not...she said sure..why not?

As for me...i was sure that i wan to go for it too...but...later i became indecisive...too many i have to think about...first of all of course is my studies...what to do i must study hard so i can earn to study abroad...yes my dad promised me that i can study abroad where ever i want IF i get real good results..i can feel the pressure...i must study abroad...i want to leave m'sia...second reason is,i don't wish to lose all my friends that is not band members...when i get so involved in the competition i will not always be in class...i am afraid that i'll be less close to my besties in class like yee xin,allyson,shin nee,wei chien,zi ning,yin mei and many more...it's really hard for me...thirdly,i hate to admit it...but this competition thing really takes up a lot of my time...i really want my own time for myself dong stuffs i like...yes,some will say involving in the band is 'the thing' they like...As for me..it is not 'the thing' that i like much..i like to read books alone...shop alone...and watch my favourite cartoon programme...these are 'the thing' that i like most...

Besides this,getting 100% involved in band really uses a lot of money...and i really mean it...like this year they went to china..the expenses is almost RM1500++...whoa that's a lot of money...some even got a loan from school...i still remember that end of this year there is a trip to hong kong...all the accomodation fees are free except the plane ticket about RM1200...if i go,i have to get my own passport too...about RM300...so the total amount is about RM1800++...it is not a small number to me...mak say go and borrow money from others...or go and work...or get from my dad...borrow money? this is the stupidest idea! still you need to return...i don't want to get tied to owning others money...go and work? i am just sixteen how much will i get by just working as a waitress...get from my dad? my dad works so hard at outstation to earn money for me to study abroad...then i use the money for some trip to hong kong just for fun...is it worth it? no!

i remembered what mak said...'this is a great experience...its worth it...even if you have the will,you will go...the money save for what? even if in future you study abroad and there is a same case you wanna go to a trip and your father says the same thing,save the money for your school fees then don't allow you to go...and bla bla bla......' what she said really hurts me alot...i chose not to go and she said so many things just to make me go to that trip...maybe she has the financial ability to go...but for me...i don't have any...why she just can't understand me?

i hope i can continue but i can't i have to get prepared to attend my bestie's sweet sixteen birthday party...i'll continue later...bye..^^

tzelovelife~*